You’re not alone if you and your partner repeatedly have the same arguments. Many couples struggle with recurring arguments, sometimes called circular arguments. It leaves them with two desperate questions: Why are they happening? And how can we make them stop? (There is a third question about circular arguments: Could this be verbal abuse?)
Often, a recurring argument happens over something insignificant, like whether someone has done the dishes. Maybe they happen when your spouse forgets to pick up their laundry after you’ve asked them x number of times.
Even though it’s frustrating, when these minor issues become battles, it’s usually not just about the dishes or the laundry. It’s about emotional triggers.
Emotional Triggers Fuel Circular Couples Arguments
Emotional triggers are memories, experiences, or events that ignite intense and often unpleasant emotions. These triggers can profoundly negatively affect you, altering your mood and potentially impacting your ongoing mental health. Typically, these triggers are deeply rooted in unpleasant or traumatic events from your past, lingering just beneath the surface of your consciousness, ready to be activated by a word, gesture, or situation.
Regarding relationships, the presence of emotional triggers can be particularly volatile. For instance, when your partner accidentally activates one of your triggers, a minor disagreement over something as mundane as doing the dishes can escalate into a full-blown argument about more profound, complex issues. This happens because the current disagreement brings up memories or past experiences laden with emotional weight. A simple comment like, “The dishes didn’t get done today,” could evoke memories of being scolded by a parent, “Can’t you do this one thing?” This, in turn, can lead to an immediate and defensive reaction as past emotions resurface and color the present conflict.
This heightened emotional state means you’re likely to react more strongly than you would under normal circumstances. This dynamic becomes even more complicated if one partner in a relationship is generally more emotional and prone to arguing while the other tends to remain detached and unemotional. In such scenarios, the emotional triggers of the more expressive partner can elicit strong emotional reactions from the typically unemotional partner, thanks to mirror neurons in the brain. These neurons cause us to reflect the emotional states of those around us; thus, a cycle of emotional triggering and reactions begins.
This cycle can lead to never-ending circular arguments between couples, resulting in hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and emotional distress. It creates a situation where both partners feel unheard and unseen, trapped in a cycle of pain and frustration. I describe this scenario as having “No adult in the room.” This metaphor suggests that both individuals in the relationship regress to a child-like state emotionally, reacting out of hurt and unmet needs rather than responding from a place of maturity and understanding.
Understanding and recognizing emotional triggers is crucial for breaking this cycle. By acknowledging these triggers, couples can learn to communicate more effectively, responding to each other’s needs and concerns with empathy and compassion rather than defensiveness or anger. This requires emotional intelligence and self-awareness, allowing both partners to see beyond the immediate trigger to the deeper issues at play. With patience, love, and a commitment to understanding, couples can learn to navigate their emotional triggers, building a stronger, more resilient relationship.
Why Don’t Emotional Triggers Ever Go Away?
Emotional triggers are deeply rooted phenomena that often begin to form in early childhood, long before we mature into adulthood. During these formative years, when children are exposed to threatening, overly stimulating, or confusing situations, the brain’s immediate reaction involves the secretion of one of two key chemicals: cortisol or adrenaline. These chemicals are responsible for triggering a primal “fight, flight, freeze, or fawn” response within the first 90 seconds of experiencing a stressor. This automatic response causes a flood of unpleasant emotions from the past to surge into your consciousness in the present day, often overwhelming your ability to cope.
To diminish the power of emotional triggers, it’s crucial that these stress-induced chemicals are metabolized and cleared from the body, allowing for a return to calmness and enabling the focus to shift away from the trigger. However, burning off cortisol and adrenaline is not as straightforward as one might hope. Due to their nature of creating a heightened emotional state, each subsequent triggering event tends to become increasingly difficult to manage as these chemicals linger in the system, compounding the emotional response over time.
It’s important to recognize that emotional triggers are universal; everyone has them. However, their impact can vary greatly from one individual to another. For instance, when you find yourself in an argument with your spouse over seemingly mundane issues such as dishes, laundry, or other household chores, the real conflict often runs much deeper. It’s not merely about the task at hand but rather about the underlying pain and emotional triggers that both parties are grappling with. These triggers can stem from past experiences, fears, and insecurities, all of which contribute to the intensity of the emotional response in such moments.
Understanding the complex nature of emotional triggers and the ways in which they can infiltrate and influence our interactions is key to managing them more effectively. By recognizing the signs of being triggered, individuals can explore healthier coping mechanisms and strategies for de-escalating their emotional responses. This might include practices such as mindfulness, deep breathing exercises, or seeking professional help to work through and process these deep-seated emotional triggers. Ultimately, the goal is to foster a greater sense of emotional resilience and to cultivate more constructive ways of dealing with the inevitable challenges and conflicts that arise in relationships and daily life.
Why Can’t We Move on to Understanding One Another?
Resolving arguments and emotional triggers in relationships can often be challenging, primarily because these issues limit the opportunity for open discussion. This lack of communication means neither partner feels genuinely heard or understood, leading to a cycle of unresolved issues. If these emotional triggers are not addressed early in a relationship, couples may push these issues aside. Over time, this avoidance can lead to a situation where individuals react more to their partner’s emotional state than to spoken words. This dynamic can significantly impact the quality of the relationship, making it crucial to identify and address these patterns early on.
Understanding that you are reacting to your partner’s moods and emotions in everyday life, even without verbal communication, is critical to improving your relationship. This reaction pattern often stems from behaviors learned in childhood. As children, responding to the moods and feelings of those around us was a survival mechanism to maintain safety in our environment. We developed a keen sense of awareness, honing our intuition and, in a sense, attempting to predict the behaviors and reactions of our caregivers. This skill, developed out of necessity, was our young minds’ way of navigating our world and ensuring our well-being.
For those who grew up in a functional or “normal” household, the presence of significant anxiety or mental health issues may have been minimal. While indeed a blessing, this situation may also mean the opportunity to develop specific coping mechanisms or emotional resilience was less necessary. However, recognizing the importance of addressing emotional triggers and communication barriers in a relationship is vital, regardless of upbringing. By acknowledging these patterns and working actively to improve communication and understanding within a relationship, couples can create a stronger, more supportive bond.
It’s also important to consider the role of empathy and active listening in overcoming these challenges. By consciously understanding your partner’s perspective and emotional state, you can foster a more nurturing and supportive environment. This involves listening to what is being said and paying attention to non-verbal cues and emotions. Developing these skills can take time and patience, but the rewards—a deeper, more meaningful connection with your partner—are well worth the effort.
Why is my Heart-Pounding Reading This?
Many of my clients grew up in dysfunctional households, where they always had to be on high alert or have concern for physical, emotional, and mental harm coming their way over the day or week. If this describes your household growing up, your brain and body are already primed, based on what happened in the past, for dealing with anxiety.
The people who trigger us to feel negative emotions are messengers. They are messengers for the unhealed parts of our being. –Teal Swan
Growing up, you might have experienced name-calling, belittling comments, or even physical abuse regularly within the confines of your own home. These painful experiences can leave deep scars, shaping how you view and engage in relationships as an adult. Perhaps you feel perpetually frustrated or notice that disagreements in your current relationship eerily mirror the conflicts you witnessed between your caregivers or parents.
It’s important to recognize these patterns, but even more crucial to understand that they do not bind you. Change is possible. With a concerted effort on your part and the support of a therapist, you can break free from these cycles. Seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness, and it’s the first step toward building healthier relationships and a happier you. Remember, your past doesn’t have to dictate your future. With the proper support and determination, you can create a new narrative for your life.
Ending the Recurring Couples’ Fight
Here are ten steps you can take to end this negative cycle. It’s a straightforward process. It requires work, but with dedication, everyone can take these steps to end a fight:
1. Understand the Cycle
Again, these arguments pivot around emotional triggers. When you disagree with your partner, it’s almost inevitable that one of you will adopt a defensive stance. This defensiveness is not just a simple reaction; it acts as a catalyst for a chain reaction, setting off a series of events where both parties feel under attack.
As the negativity escalates, it fosters a toxic cycle where each person feels the overwhelming need to express themselves, yet paradoxically, no one truly feels heard or understood. This often leads to a situation where the original issue gets buried under layers of hurt feelings and misunderstandings, and resolving seems increasingly out of reach.
It’s crucial to recognize that the key to breaking this cycle is a deeper understanding of your and your partner’s emotional triggers in various situations. By gaining insight into what explicitly prompts these defensive responses, you can approach conflicts with more empathy and awareness, ultimately leading to more constructive and less aggressive exchanges.
2. What Can We Accept?
For example, consider a scenario where you find yourself quickly assigning meaning to certain behaviors in your relationship, such as interpreting the lack of eye contact as a negative sign or prematurely judging your partner as sad without inquiring about their feelings. In these moments, it’s crucial to pause and reflect. Stop whatever you’re doing, take a deep breath, and become fully aware of the dynamics unfolding in your relationship.
It’s important to remember that as an adult, you can communicate more effectively. You’re no longer a child who cannot express their needs or concerns; you can “use your words” to honor yourself and your partner. This means taking the initiative to engage in open and honest dialogue. Before letting fear take control, leading you to assume the worst and potentially sparking an argument, take a moment to ask your partner about their feelings and thoughts calmly.
By prioritizing communication, you create an opportunity for greater understanding and connection within your relationship. This approach helps avoid unnecessary conflicts and strengthens the bond between you and your partner as you navigate through life’s challenges with empathy and compassion.
3. Look for the Real Reason
When you notice that you’ve become defensive, it’s crucial to take a moment to pause and recalibrate your emotions and thoughts. Acknowledge the hurt and the frustration you’re feeling at that moment. Admit to yourself that you’re triggered, and become acutely mindful of your chosen words. This self-awareness is the first step towards understanding and managing your reactions more effectively.
After identifying that you’re exhibiting defensive behavior, it’s essential to take a deliberate step back and self-examine to uncover what triggered this response. Ask yourself about the precise moment when you felt a surge of hurt or upset emotions. Was it a specific word, tone, or perhaps an implication that touched a sensitive nerve? Consider why this incident has become an emotional trigger for you. Is it linked to past experiences, insecurities, or perhaps unresolved feelings?
Reflecting on these questions can help you understand your emotional patterns and triggers. It allows you to approach similar situations in the future with greater understanding and resilience. This process of introspection and acknowledgment not only aids in personal growth but also enhances your interactions and relationships with others by fostering a culture of openness and empathy.
4. Knowledge is Mental Health Power
Understanding your emotional triggers can help you learn more about yourself so that if a similar situation arises, you are better prepared next time around.
For example, are emotional outbursts common for you? How do interpersonal conflicts affect your emotional well-being? What makes emotional statements and phrases more intense for you? One topic I often hear in the therapy room is the concern of one person consistently feeling shamed and blamed in an argument.
5. It’s About Them Too
You’ll also want to consider emotional triggers specific to your partner and your couple’s arguments. It’s important to know what makes them tick so that you can be fully aware of what emotional buttons of yours are being pushed.
Many clients tell me that when they learn to slow down and notice their emotions, they can pinpoint the exact moment they start feeling angry within their bodies. Perhaps they noticed that they were rubbing the tops of their legs more or picking their fingers, all signs that their body was physically responding to their emotions and feelings.
6. Be Mindful of What You Say
The most effective strategy to prevent emotional triggers is to proactively take responsibility for any potential emotional reactions before they arise. This approach necessitates a high level of mindfulness and consistent practice from both individuals involved in the relationship. It’s about being aware of one’s feelings and the impact of one’s actions on the other person, fostering a healthier and more understanding relationship dynamic.
We’re all too familiar with the complexities and challenges that relationships bring. Indeed, most couples can attest to experiencing their fair share of disagreements and arguments. It’s not uncommon for couples to find themselves trapped in a seemingly endless cycle of emotional turmoil, where the same issues resurface time and time again, leading to repeated conflicts. This pattern can be incredibly frustrating and disheartening, creating a sense of stagnation in the relationship.
However, it’s crucial to remember that it doesn’t have to be this way. By adopting a more mindful approach to emotional reactions and taking steps to understand and address the root causes of conflicts, couples can break free from these repetitive cycles. Through open communication, empathy, and a willingness to work together toward resolution, it’s possible to overcome these challenges and strengthen the bond between partners.
7. Be Open to Other Options
For instance, imagine a scenario where you resist cuddling with your partner, not because of any overt issues between you two, but simply because, at that moment, you feel an aversion to it. This aversion could manifest for various reasons; they feel rejected each time you attempt to cuddle. Instead of allowing this pattern to push your partner away, take a moment to introspect. Ask yourself why the idea of cuddling is unappealing at the moment. Is it because you’re not in the mood, or perhaps there’s a deeper reason worth exploring?
Once you’ve delved into your reluctance, the next step involves considering how you can become okay with cuddling or if it’s something you want to compromise. It’s possible that, at the moment, you’d much prefer to engage in a solitary activity like watching TV or immersing yourself in a good book. These preferences don’t necessarily reflect negatively on your feelings towards your spouse. They indicate your current state of mind and emotional needs.
After identifying the root cause of your reluctance, rather than distancing yourself further from your partner, explore ways to mitigate your emotional response. Then, propose an alternative that suits both your needs. For example, you could suggest spending quality time together by reading a book before bed. This can be a meaningful bonding activity that doesn’t involve physical cuddling but promotes closeness and intimacy.
The same principle applies when dealing with conflicts from your partner’s side. If your partner reacts defensively or is hurt by something you’ve said in haste, it’s crucial to pause and reflect before responding. Understand that their reaction may be triggered by deeper, underlying emotional issues that they grapple with regularly.
Before jumping to conclusions or getting defensive, take a moment to validate your emotional response. Then, approach your partner openly and ask them to clarify their perspective. This prevents misunderstandings and allows you to directly address the issue’s root. Moreover, strive to be empathetic towards your partner’s emotional triggers. Recognize that their emotional responses, though they may seem directed at you, often result from their internal struggles.
Adopting this approach fosters a deeper understanding and more robust connection between you and your partner. It encourages both parties to communicate more effectively, empathize with each other’s emotional needs, and find creative solutions to maintain intimacy without necessarily resorting to physical affection. This way, you can build a more resilient and understanding relationship that can withstand the complexities of individual emotional landscapes.
8. Know Your Triggers and Get Clarity
Working through emotional triggers can be complex and challenging, but it is crucial for both individuals in a relationship to feel heard and understood. This journey requires abundant patience and commitment but fosters a deeper, more resilient bond between partners. Understanding and navigating these emotional landscapes can transform potential conflicts into opportunities for growth and intimacy.
If you find yourself ensnared in repetitive arguments over the same issues, taking a step back from the heat of the moment is beneficial. Reflect on whether there has been any shift in perspective or understanding from one incident to another that might alter how you perceive and react to the situation. Such introspection can pave the way for breakthroughs in communication and conflict resolution.
Many of my couple’s therapy clients have succeeded in proactively discussing and setting clear boundaries within their relationship concerning conflict. They engage in thoughtful conversations about how frequently they are willing to engage in arguments and to what extent they want conflict to define their relationship dynamic. Yes, it’s natural for couples to argue and experience conflict, but it’s essential to consider how much of your relationship you want to be characterized by these disputes. Establishing a mutual understanding of acceptable levels and forms of conflict can significantly reduce unnecessary stress and enhance the quality of your relationship.
Remember, while it’s normal for couples to have disagreements, the goal should be to build a partnership where communication is open, respectful, and constructive. By working together to understand each other’s emotional triggers and establishing healthy boundaries around conflict, couples can create a more supportive and loving relationship environment.
9. Communicate and Disarm
By recognizing and admitting to your defensiveness, you effectively disarm yourself. This crucial step allows you to delve deeper into the underlying reasons for your hurt feelings, paving the way for a more meaningful and productive exchange with your partner. It’s a moment of introspection that leads to personal growth and improved communication.
Vulnerability is equally powerful in disarming situations and fostering a healthier dialogue. By being honest and transparent, you invite your partner to truly see you for who you are, warts and all. This level of openness creates a foundation of trust and understanding, opening the door for a more constructive and empathetic dialogue. It’s a brave step towards building a stronger, more resilient relationship where both partners feel seen, heard, and valued.
10. Think About Your Partner
Just because you’ve successfully identified what triggers emotional responses in you doesn’t automatically mean your life partner has done the same with their triggers. It’s crucial to approach conversations with an open heart and mind, ready to listen attentively to what they share.
When the time feels right, and they appear ready to engage in a constructive dialogue, gently ask them what specific actions or words of yours might have made them feel attacked or uncomfortable. This approach often requires patience, which might mean putting your immediate desire to express your feelings on hold until they’ve fully explored and communicated their own. Doing so creates a safe space for both of you to process and openly discuss the real issue.
During these conversations, it’s vital to maintain a stance of accountability. Being human entails making mistakes, but a relationship’s proper growth and strength come from owning up to them, learning from them, and ultimately accepting them gracefully. This process not only helps resolve the current conflict but also prevents similar issues in the future.
Understanding your partner’s emotional triggers and sharing yours with them lays the foundation for more honest, compassionate, and productive conversations. This doesn’t mean you’ll avoid arguments, but rather that when disagreements arise, you’ll both be equipped to handle them in a way that strengthens rather than strains your relationship. Such open lines of communication are essential for deepening your connection and building a partnership based on mutual respect and understanding.
Are You Ready to Get Started?
For most people, using these conflict resolution tactics takes practice. The more times you de-escalate an argument with this technique, the quicker you’ll see when you need to use it, and the more you can improve your mental health.
It’s okay to need help and a therapist while practicing these strategies. Reach out to me, and let’s talk about how you can get support and repair your relationship. Because, let’s be honest, how you respond to yourself and your partner matters!
