Do you feel like you are always giving and never receiving? Do you feel like people are constantly taking advantage of you? If so, it might be time to set healthy boundaries.
ALL THINGS HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
First, let’s define boundaries, then look at the steps to setting and keeping them. A boundary is a limit that helps define who you are and what behaviors are acceptable. Boundaries can be healthy and unhealthy, so learning the difference is essential.
Healthy boundaries involve understanding your values and limits, communicating these to others, being assertive when needed, respecting other people’s boundaries, and learning how to say “no.” Unhealthy or poor boundaries mean that someone else’s needs come before yours, or you allow yourself to be taken advantage of. And then there are the infamous blurred boundaries, where you are uncertain about what you want and don’t communicate your needs.
There are also different settings for boundaries, such as physical, emotional, and sexual situations. Physical boundaries are about being comfortable with the space between you and another person or how much personal information you’re willing to share. Emotional boundaries involve respectfully communicating your feelings and respecting other people’s emotions as well. And then, there are sexual boundaries that help to define appropriate behavior in intimate relationships.
THE BENEFITS OF SETTING HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
Setting healthy personal boundaries is a crucial part of maintaining self-respect. It would be best to respect yourself enough to set limits with people who may try to cross the line with you. If you don’t maintain boundaries, your personal life may feel out of control.
Not only do personal boundaries help maintain self-respect and self-esteem, but they also contribute to healthier interpersonal relationships. When other people know where your boundaries are, they have a better opportunity to honor your boundaries, and you no longer have to worry about people taking advantage of you. It also makes it easier to communicate with others because you can tell people what’s okay and what’s not for you. (And they don’t have to try and guess anymore!)
Many of my therapy, counseling, family therapy, and coaching clients feel challenged with setting healthy boundaries; they didn’t learn how to do so when they were younger. Some people grew up in dysfunctional households and weren’t taught that it’s okay to say no or how to communicate their needs. Others didn’t receive enough attention and care as children, so they may have grown up with low self-esteem and difficulty asserting themselves.
People-pleasing is a typical lifestyle behavior that I see in my therapy practice. People feel guilty if they hurt other people’s feelings and don’t speak up when their needs aren’t met. They struggle with saying no, communicating their needs, and asserting themselves, even when being taken advantage of. However, learning how to set boundaries to honor both you and the other person can lead to healthier relationships with friends, family members, employers, romantic partners, and more.
No matter where you come from, however, setting boundaries is essential for personal well-being and relationships. Boundaries are a form of self-care and respect. They allow you to take care of yourself and prioritize your needs while respecting the people around you.
Now that you understand the benefits of setting boundaries for healthy relationships, it’s time to learn how to do it! Here are eleven steps to follow to set more healthy relationship boundaries:
HOW TO SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES
1. Start small
It can be not easy to set boundaries effectively because speaking up about your needs requires self-respect. When we don’t respect others’ boundaries or ourselves, we tend to let others do and say things that make us uncomfortable. But it will become easier over time when you start setting clear boundaries.
The best way to start with unhealthy boundaries is by having one or two boundaries in place at a time. Then, as you get more comfortable with your personal space and emotional boundaries, you can add a few more. Give yourself time to adjust to new boundaries before adding more!
For example, if you’re used to letting people borrow money or your car without asking you first, try saying ‘No’ on the next occasion someone does this. Perhaps it will feel more manageable after doing this; setting good boundaries won’t be so tricky!
I invite my therapy and counseling clients to get curious about their feelings because our body feels it before our brain knows someone has crossed an unspoken boundary. I use the word “pissy” to describe how I feel when, under the surface, I feel taken advantage of, anger, frustration, or maybe even a bit of resentment.
HONOR YOUR FEELINGS, THEY ARE TRYING TO TELL YOU SOMETHING! –BLAZE LAZARONY
2. Be firm and consistent
For example, it’s essential to be firm when setting boundaries at work and in personal relationships. This means having clear limits and not being open to negotiation. If you tell someone your boundaries, but they don’t remember or know how to implement them, they won’t know where you stand.
Being consistent with personal boundaries also plays a significant role in maintaining them over time. If your boundary is that your work colleague can’t borrow things from your desk without asking you for permission first, make sure you stick to this rule and set healthy boundaries yourself as well. Clear communication and consistency will ensure that your boundaries are respected.
When we set boundaries at work, it is essential to remember that our feelings matter, and significant others do, too. We should take the time to understand what we need to be comfortable and productive in our work environment and respectfully express these needs to others. By doing this, we can create an atmosphere of respect, and it’s easier to ask others to respect your boundaries when you appreciate them for yourself, too.
3. Let the other person know
For someone else to know your boundaries, you must let them know your personal and emotional boundaries. Try with gentle honesty when you set and maintain boundaries; this will help the other person understand what you need.
For example, if your friend asks to borrow money for something unnecessary, you can tell them that it’s difficult to give them money right now because it makes you uncomfortable. Otherwise, you may feel resentful if you do not receive anything in return.
Not everyone will understand your boundaries, but you should still stand firm in what is comfortable for you and explain why. This will help the other person understand better and be more mindful of different boundaries in how they interact with you.
4. Be prepared for resistance
When people are used to getting their way because they have never said no before, it can be difficult for them to adjust. When setting boundaries, you should expect some resistance from people because they might not understand why your boundary is crucial to you.
Sometimes, people will try to convince you that your boundaries are irrational, but this will happen less frequently if you’ve been clear about why you set and maintain your boundaries. If someone tells you that your boundaries are unreasonable, consider asking them why they think so. This way, you’ll likely devise a compromise together, only if you want and need to!
Another tip is to practice setting boundaries in relationships or situations where you feel safe. This way, when setting boundaries in more challenging relationships, you’ll know your limits and how to express them better.
5. Don’t over-explain
Sometimes, even your romantic or sexual partner may not realize why you need certain boundaries. In this case, your reasons might seem unusual, and they might want more information about it. For example, suppose your partner asks why you don’t want them to pressure you to stay up late and talk, instead of going into all of the details about why you feel uncomfortable about it. In that case, it can be best to say, ‘Because I want to keep my boundaries right now and honor my sleep schedule.’
Many trauma survivors and co-dependant people have difficulty saying “No” and tend to compensate by over-explaining. If this is you, please be gentle with yourself; these were learned coping skills and can be changed when you’re ready to address them in therapy.
You don’t need to explain yourself if someone doesn’t understand your boundary immediately. This will only make the situation more difficult since they might misunderstand your reasons for setting the boundary in the first place.
Understanding someone else’s needs and feelings is difficult, so the other person involved might need time to process this information. You are entitled to feel the way you do, even though they may not understand the situation the way you do.
6. Be willing to compromise
Setting healthy boundaries doesn’t mean you’re always right about everything; sometimes, you may need to compromise on your boundaries for one reason or another. Consider your feelings and needs, and try to reach an agreement that works for both parties.
Setting boundaries can be difficult, but it’s essential if you want to have healthy relationships with other people. Be assertive in stating your healthy boundaries, communicate openly when they are crossed, and consider compromises when possible.
For example, if your partner asks to go away for a weekend, but you have a hard time being home alone, it’s okay to let them go – as long as they understand that you need extra attention when they return. Another idea is that when they return home, let them know that you’d like to recap and share what happened for you while you were home, and then they can share about their time away. By embracing these lifestyle behaviors, you support each other and honor your emotional well-being.
7. Don’t take responsibility for other people’s feelings or actions
Just because you set rigid boundaries and a boundary, it doesn’t mean the other person is obliged to respect it. If they don’t like your limits and choose not to accept them, they’ll do things their way instead of appreciating what you need.
You can say, ‘ I understand this may be difficult for you; however, I will stick with my boundaries.’ Let’s be honest: when our emotional triggers happen in real time, the ONLY person we can be responsible for is ourselves!
Maintaining boundaries is essential in setting healthy limits and can be a powerful tool in creating meaningful connections. Remember that boundaries are not only for your well-being but to help keep everyone involved safe and respected. By being mindful of your own needs and respecting the needs of those around you, you can create relationships built on trust, respect, and honesty.
8. Don’t beat yourself up when it’s time to set boundaries
People who love and care about you want the best for you and your well-being, so sometimes they might not agree with your decisions or opinions – which is fine! Try not to take responsibility for their feelings.
Once again, if someone chooses not to respect your boundary after telling them about it, it doesn’t mean you did something wrong. It simply means that you have different thoughts, ideas, and opinions.
Learning to trust yourself and your instincts to set and maintain healthy boundaries is essential. Believe that you can make your own decisions and stick with them, no matter what others think or say.
It’s up to you – nobody else can decide how much space and respect you need in relationships. Show yourself self-compassion and kindness, and take the time to make decisions that feel right for you.
9. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for setting a boundary
Just like you’re not obliged to respect someone else’s boundary, the other person isn’t required to respect your boundary either. Your boundary is your own, and you don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you have it.
Some people might get upset when your set boundary is their issue to work through – not yours. You can explain yourself if you want to, but ultimately, it’s up to the other person to accept and respect your decision.
In this case, all you need to say is, ‘I set my boundary because I want to,’ and then move on. I like to teach my clients the words, “No shame, no blame,” which means you don’t have to shame or blame them or even yourself–you are entitled to your own personal and emotional boundaries.
10. Say no clearly but politely
When setting boundaries yourself, remember always to be firm with your decision but polite at the same time. Don’t be afraid to say no when you need to, and don’t let anyone try to push your boundaries. You have the right to take a stand for yourself, so make sure you’re clear with your decision without sounding hostile.
A great way of doing this is by using phrases like “I understand where you’re coming from, and I’m not comfortable with that” or “I’m sorry, I don’t think that’s the best idea.” This way, you can be polite while still standing your ground and showing others that you won’t compromise on what you want.
Of course, it’s also important to word your boundary correctly. For example, let’s say that one of your friends is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, like lighting a cigarette in your house, but you’re unsure how to tell them about it.
You could say something like: “Can we talk for a bit? I feel like when we’re together, sometimes I end up feeling hurt because I’ve talked in the past about how much the smell of cigarette smoke bothers me”. This way, your friend knows you feel sad, hurt, and disrespected when they light up, and you can express your relationship boundaries.
11. Keep your boundaries consistent
If a particular boundary-setting practice is effective, don’t stop using it! Always be consistent and follow through with your healthy boundary program.
Take your time to practice boundary setting until you feel comfortable enough with it. Then, see how your life changes. The more you practice setting boundaries, the better your relationships will get, and know that setting boundaries is a process.
You can have boundaries in any situation – at work, with your family members, or with your partner. The important thing is that the boundaries are relevant to you personally and represent what’s right for you. If other people don’t accept or respect them, let go of their opinions because boundary setting does not need validation from other sources besides yourself.
Remember that the first step to creating better physical boundaries is accepting yourself as a unique being who deserves respect just by being alive. When this happens, boundary-setting becomes much more manageable.
And remember, healthy boundaries and setting them is a lifelong process
Being patient with yourself is essential when you’re in this process. For some people, boundary setting comes easily, while it takes time and lots of practice for others. You’ll eventually get there if you practice boundary setting in minor issues before moving on to bigger ones!
One way to start is setting healthy boundaries around your mental health. For example, set your boundaries, stop late-night doom scrolling on your phone, and go to bed at a healthy time. Another boundary you could experiment with is keeping your promises and boundaries to yourself about your physical health or living a healthy life; go out for that walk or run you said you’d do.
Be patient if you find it difficult to set personal and emotional boundaries. Remember that healthy self-care is essential for your mental and physical well-being. Everyone needs some self-love every now and then—take the time out to care for yourself!
You can always start small, like taking a few minutes to think about your healthy boundaries before you get started; don’t worry. Most people find it time-consuming and commitment-intensive to practice healthy boundaries. Start small by setting boundaries in everyday situations, then work up to more significant issues.
And remember, there is no shame in seeking help from a professional therapist and counselor who has mastered the art of self-care and boundary setting, as well as navigating trauma with an Advanced Trauma Certification. Contact me if you need support!
